Yeah, well a mofo has been busy...

with life and shit. But, the fuckery continues...



Well folks, history has been made since the last time I checked in and now we have our first Black President- Elect. No, watermelon and chicken will not be on the menu. (just in case you were wondering) This leads me to the point that has bothered the hell outta me this past few months. BLAITANT RACISM.



From "Obama buxx" to labelling the man as a "terrorist", I find myself partly enraged and slightly amused at the depths in which many chose to stoop. It's one thing to mock a person's age or another's stupidity, but when you inject hurtful imagery and language all bets are off. And the last time I checked, the Hispanic population has the chicken game on lock. In fact, Babybeater is one chicken lovin' mofo and he's not Black. (nor Hispanic) Popeye's correct? ;-)

Let's all just take a deep breath, savor the historical moment if you so desire, and get on with it.

This is the gayest blog ever

:)

Thats what I get for trying to be nice...

My retarded dumbass decided to be nice and give a sleeping homeless man some money. Granted, I was sufficiently trashed and attempted to stick 2 bucks on the top part of his pocket. Well, homeboy freaked out! I'm talking flailing body parts and shit. I barely even touched him. And what does Dogeater do? He walks off. I can hold my own, but damn if chivalry is dead.

Moral- Dunzo w/the homeless & as cool as your friends may be- they just might leave your ass. Fo' serious... ;-)

Hoodfuckery Sighting...

I have decided to drop the Haiku's and have opted to 'step my game up' to bigger things- Hoodfuckery. Once I figure out how to use my new camcorder- IT'S ON!!!

14th & U- I SAW A FREAKIN MALE TODDLER WITH HIS EAR PIERCED!!! What is the little fucker gonna do next, sing R Kelly songs and grind on his fellow 2 year olds?


Call me naive, but that's crazy! I cannot begin to understand why someone would justify having done such to their child! But then I saw his mama and I understood why. I smell... a.... HOODRAT!!!!!

Sad shit, indeed. *shakes head in complete dismay*

WTF?

Ok, so I was at Buffalo Billiards on Thursday celebrating my graduation from Nutrition School while downing several shots/drinks/unhealthy shit when I had been approached by an admirer of my shirt. Throughout the night I would receive random compliments because most people 'got the memo', while others were so far off the mark and I just had to laugh.

Folks, it's a sad commentary when people think that Carlton Banks is either Martin Luther King or Barack Obama. But you know, ALL BLACK PEOPLE LOOK ALIKE... ;-)

Don't get mad... It's GENETICS

CP TIME

The usually correct stereotype that African-Americans are incapable of punctuality, and are chronically tardy in both arriving at and beginning events and functions.

Shit is real, son... I tried to hip my Anglo friends to this and they still aren't hearing me. Let's discuss...

Now, I am GENERALLY on time to things but every now and then a bitch is late. Super late. Late like you'll call me and I should already be there but I'm just getting my fro right in the mirror and haven't walked out the house late. Shit happens. I blame GENETICS. But then again, I can't really do that because I'm 1/4 Indian and a 1/4 Scottish. I blame the half that make me whole. ANYWAYS...

I state this simply to impart unto you that you should not get mad at your African American friends. Rather, you should add an extra, let's say, 30 minutes into your appointed meeting time.

Let's role play:

BECKY: Let's meet like at 6:30! Ok?
ME:Ok!
BECKY: (to self) I'm gonna meet this bizznitch at 7, cuz I know her ass will be on CP TIME.
BECKY: See you at 6:30 girl!

7 pm rolls around and BECKY is walking into the appointed destination...

ME: Girllll! You just got here! Me too!
BECKY: (to self) EXACTLY!

This way, no one gets mad. Try it sometime...


THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT SPONSORED BY THE "WE ARE SCHOOLING YOU MOFO'S" COILITION. IF YOU DON'T KNOW, NOW YA KNOW...

that's a goddamn angryass cat.

Presidential Motorcades... FAWK!!!

This is a rant, so gauge yourself accordingly...

I'M SO TIRED OF RUNNING INTO THIS SHIT!!! ARE CHENEY AND BUSH FOLLOWING ME? WTF?

I am soooooooooooooooooooooo completely done with Presidential Motorcades! Dogeater and I had a discussion about this yesterday... These fuckers need to sit in traffic like the rest of us! You mean to tell me it takes about 10 cops on motorcycles, 5 SUV's and an additional 10 cop cars to transport these fuckers to the White House? Are you kidding me?

Ok, I get it that I live about 4 1/2 blocks from the White House, but damn. Nobody wants Bush or Cheney. Hell, I'd be that bitch that would flick them off if sitting at a light next to their limo. Trust.

Whats worse is they always 'get me' when I'm late for some shit, (like work) or coming home and really not feeling some bullshit. Isn't there an underground transit system for Gov't officials? I know one runs from the Pentagon. My pops hipped me to this when he was in the military and testified before the Senate. Shit, Bush and Cheney need to work from home. It's not like they are doing anything relevant anyways. Telecommute dammit.

Stop wasting my time and my fucking commute. I have more important shit to do than to look at a whole bunch of flashing lights and noise fuckery while these shitheads get to their destination and further fuck up this nation.

RANT ACCOMPLISHED. DONE AND DONE.

Yeah, we were BORED...

So, my tagline says:

"Al Gore invented the internet, and global warming too..."

and Dogeater hits me up with the following:


Dogeater: sigh al gore didn't invent the internet or global warming
that's just foolish
...he invented the question mark
clearly

me: Al Gore invented pink unicorns and rainbows, dammit
stop hating

Dogeater: hahahahahahaha

TARD HAIKU...

*haven't posted a haiku in a minute, so here goes...



LOSERS
---------

What the hell is this?
A ration on common sense?
Done with fucking tards...

;-)

you pick up this working girl...

---

whos hooked on smack
who hustles and scores,
thats all i do she says
she says, 'ten bucks for head'
fifteen for half n half, she says
3 hits a day, at 35 per
you say thats 7 tricks a day at least
but she says 'sometimes i get lucky'
'once this guy gives me a bill and a half'
'just to eat me, only time i ever came'
you figure you can save her
you sell your color tv,
that keeps her off the streets a whole day
you hock your typewriter for one joule,
then your shotgun, your watch..
a week later you say, 'listen im a little short'
but she says 'no scratch, no snatch'
you say 'look it is better to give'
but she says 'beat off creep'
one night they spot you on the street
in your skivvies, trying to sell your shoes
you tell 'em who you are, but they nail you
then she happens by and she says
'christ you look fucked.'
she says 'hang tough'
but you dont say anything.
you just think... what a bum rap
for a nice, sensitive guy like me

you are sleeping
you do not want to believe...

Wanted: Big Floppy Donkey Dick

Well, now that you mention it...

This is a bit old, but I laughed to myself about this today. You know how someone will say something to you and its so random, but sooooooooo damn funny? Well pooping is a subject in which I find extremely humorous. Babybeater said this some time ago and it still tickles me to no end. I was randomly mentioning my need to 'do work', to which he replied:

I dont need to hear about how you just sent the Huxtables on a white water rafting adventure.

GOLDEN... ;-)


And just cuz I wanna gross you out... (conversation w/ Dogeater)


me: omg I just dropped the most glorious deuce
girls poop
Dogeater: lies
women don't poop
me: totally
i think i lost 5 lbs
Dogeater: that's some deuce...




BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA BITCHES!!!!!

Bumfuckery Chronicles...

BUM: Can I have some change, sista?
ME: Can I have some change, bro? I'm sayin', I'm trying to catch a cab...
BUM: (turns to someone else) Change? Change? Anyone? Change?

e BALLS

Now, I have seen this term coined elsewhere and virtually passed out from laughing so hard because its true. I find it highly amusing that people gain an immense amount of courage online not knowing you, only to find out that they are complete pussies face to face. eBalls. Let's discuss this further...


e-balls

A tendency to be bold and brash via internet correspondence, while being rather meek in a face-to-face setting.
John could only ask Kate out through hotmail when he had his e-balls.

So, I was at work yesterday and got an email about some booze bus fuckery, when I realized that it had no description of just where the hell it was going. I responded,

"Where is said keg bus travelling to? ;-)"

The author of the post responded, then some complete douchebag submits the following:

"Good grief - does everyone have to reply to all? "

Ok. Here's the thing that gets under my skin. IT'S ALL ABOUT HOW YOU ASK SHIT. If you are on an email list for a specific reason, then expect to get mail mofo. That's how it works. Further, if you don't want to read something, there is this little button imprinted with the word DELETE on it that makes all the shit go away. But, I digress...

So, my inner bitch/sarcasm kicks into FULL FORCE. I submit:

"Oops" and hit REPLY ALL. This is where said eBALLS fuckery ensues...

"Kiss my ass oops .....and Kristy - can you remove from the list again"

I just started laughing. Is this cat serious? Does he not know me? Has he not been 'schooled' of the fierce bitch that is Token Black Chick? eBALLS; this mofo grew a golden pair...

I REPLY ALL, just because it's ok to be an ass occasionally, (if not all the damn time):

"No thanks. You might need some considering how salty you are..."

to which he responded:

"I really don't need to keep getting e-mails. Are we done? Thanks"

What a douchetard. Can someone get him a hooker? This dude is obviously not gettin' any and needs some charity ass...

eBALLS is a very real thing. Wait till I see this mofo in public. I will have to emasculate him. Trust. This WILL happen.

So there's a pair of sunglasses that I saw that I really wanted. They're the Oakley Flak Jacket glasses. I like the way they look, I like Oakleys and I needed a pair of sunglasses anyway. So I was poking around their website to see how much they cost, what other colors they have (I'm pretty much set in the Jet Black/Iridium Black pictured here), etc. I was all set and happy, until I poked around the site some more and then ran into something that caught my eye pretty quickly:

"The Asian Fit."

...what in the name of fuckery could this possibly be?

Getting the right fit is essential for comfort, protection, and even optical performance. You may have heard industry terms like “European Fit” and “Asian Fit”. If sunglasses tend to sit too low on your face or slide down your nose, touch at your temples or cheeks, or feel narrow at the sides of your head, try our Asian Fit.

The nose bridge is narrowed and deepened and the nose pads are elongated.



Translation: Asians have flat noses.

The ear stems are rounded and bulged out.



Translation: Asians have fat heads.

The curvature across the front of the frame is flattened out.



Translation: Asians have flat faces.

This is pretty... interesting to say the least. It would sort of be if a clothing line released a jeans line called "Sista Girl" with more ass space or if they released a line of shirts with "White Boy Technology" that has deodorant built in. But they don't.

http://oakley.com/asian_fit

I declare fuckery on this one. I'm calling Sharpton and we're gonna march on their asses.

I'm going to get angry, worked up and protest.

...and then order a pair online because they'll probably fit me better.

Madcap Fuckery and Mayhem...

The last time this happened, I had just turned 21 and was shitfaced in a club. This must be the 10th anniversary of my retardedness...



My boy Berto invited me to the Taste of Arlington and I must say that we had a damn good time. Dogeater joined us and fuckery ensued. I still have the taste of PF Changs in my mouth, but I digress...



I GOT KICKED OUT OF A DAMN BAR!!!



So, Berto was bumping his gums about throwing a pitcher of water on me, and I was like 'word?!'. It just so happened that the waitress was a woman and she placed it next to me. (thanks girlfriend!) I threw that pitcher directly at him. Doused. Done and done....



Maybe not. Berto was salty as hell. He then proceeds to get a pitcher of tea and douse me. Well, the tool of a Manager, in a lame attempt to flex his 'authoritah' - (seriously, this was the guy you made fun of in high school who thinks that restaurant management is the stepping stone to lets say, becoming the president...fucktard) told us we had to leave. Mind you, Berto works for this restaurant group as a bartender, so he knew this guy well. Berto proceeds to eat fries and order a shot of Tuaca while I hear repeated chants of 'you guys have to leave', 'give them their check.... no shots for him', (the bartender ignored him and passed the Tuaca) 'they have to leave' and 'do you want your fries packaged? you gotta go'. I had a kool aid grin on my face and the peeps around us were nonetheless amused.



I think they thought that a fight was gonna break out. I mean, I was the ONLY Black chick in there and throwing liquid on Black folks doesn't work. Since we don't swim, we sure as hell ain't feelin' getting wet. I'm just sayin'...


ADDENDUM: THE MANAGER GOT FIRED! LOOKS LIKE ITS TIME FOR HIM TO HIT UP ITT TECH OR SOME SHIT... KARMA IS A BITCH IN STILETTOS, STABBING HIM STRAIGHT IN THE NUTS! DOUCHEBAG...

Haiku Fridays ;-)

"Automated Telephone Systems"

I need assistance,
Can I talk to a human,
Screaming at voice prompts.

HOV Solution

SO DONE...

What in the corn on the COBB COUNTY, back woods hell fuckery is this? IGNANCE, indeed...

http://www.mdjonline.com/content/index/showcontentitem/area/1/section/21/item/110972.html

http://my.barackobama.com/page/community/post/alexazuero/gGBs2D/commentary

gazebo conversations

1: "so, while we're speaking of strange sexual behavior, man, the media's all over r. kelly again. i mean what'd he do wrong?"
2: "HE FUCKED KIDS!"
3: "hey, thomas jefferson did that and nobody's sayin shit."
2: "IT WASN'T ON TAPE!"
4: "shit's all over youtube too. i mean you could walk five minutes to florida ave there and pick up a bootleg of the r. kelly tape, two for five dollars! but you can't pick up shit on thomas jefferson."

and the first thing i heard someone saying as he closed the door to come to the gazebo:

"...so yeah, my o-ring is chafing my balls."

WHY?

ignant
proudly, willfully ignorant. Holding up one's ignorance as a virtue, and using it as rhetorical and moral leverage. cf. Ignorance.

I'm sitting at my desk this morning, doing the usual Monday paperwork while glancing at CNN news headlines/videos when the inevitable occurs.

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2008/05/12/edwards.skimpy.prom.dress.khou?iref=videosearch

I RUN ACROSS SOME MADCAP FUCKERY.

While I must acknowledge that I come from a wonderful nuclear family, (think Huxtables- yes dammit they exist) that feature a mother and father that have all the sense in the world, a brother who is a dead ringer personality- wise of no other than CARLTON BANKS, I wonder what life would be like if they didn't. Then I see some mess on CNN no less, that makes me wanna do a Southern Baptist 'I just caught the Spirit' church dance and I am FAR from religious...

I have a two-fold problem with this:

1) Retarded shit like this reinforces negative stereotypes which lead to what I most often encounter in the form of "you speak so well" and being regarded as the antithesis of how people believe African Americans carry themselves. Trust, someone somewhere thinks that this mess is characteristic of the whole. Meanwhile, MOST African Americans sit back and comment amongst themselves that this child is just IGNANT. And that my friends, she most certainly is.

2) This type of fuckery is almost always posted on a major website, like CNN or even better THE HUFFINGTON POST. Upon browsing through THE HUFFINGTON POST comment section on this, some idiot stated something to the effect of "this type of attire is popular amongst young Black females". Well... no boo-boo it's not, and if you ever see me walking around with a foot permanently lodged up my ass- THANK MY MOM. I still vividly remember getting 'checked' before I walked out the door.

I'm adding a THIRD dammit-
CAN YOU NOT FIND ANYONE ANYWHERE DOING SOME POSITIVE SHIT? ANYONE? ANYONE?!?!?!

This leads me to the 'WHY' part of my analysis...

Simply put, I would like to know the following:

- Why did this IGNANT TRICK get any airtime? Aren't people dying from tornadoes, cyclones and earthquakes? Shit, starvation?

- Why must I be subject to looking at her trainwreck half nappy, half straight weave and wonder why she said FUCK EFFORT on that- but the dress, (or lack thereof) was so crucial? Who let her ass out the house? Oh, my bad- the same folks that allowed her to wear that 'hood couture' fuckery. She was modelling that shit for CNN like she was on a damn catwalk... (shakes head in dismay)

- Is it not obvious that in a year or so, that she could be a contestant on the "FLAVOR OF LOVE", which is the EPITOME of hood fuckery. Flavor Flav would be all about that, with his IGNANT ass. Don't front, you thought that too.

Between the 'hood couture' fuckery and this:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=5eXNClwV5AM

I'm going into hiding. THE IGNANCE IS OVERWHELMING...

HEADLINE OF THE DAY

I damn near fell out when I saw this:

Which Chain Tosses Out Best Salad?

http://www.nbc4.com/health/16165359/detail.html

Thank you NBC4, I needed that laugh...

DC Bums Hate Me...

I love messing with DC Bums. It's like a sick form of entertainment to me for some reason. If you are going to approach me and bum a cig or ask for $, you will most definitely have to work for that shit. I encourage everyone to do the same, because fuckery almost always ensues. Here is one such encounter that took place outside of RFD's a couple of weekends ago:

BUM: Yo, can I get a smoke off any of you?
JEN: No
JEN'S FRIEND KRISSY: No
BUM: Why?
JEN: Because I need them. Cigarettes are expensive. Don't you know that we are in a recession?
BUM: Well sista, can I get one of yours?
ME: No. I need my cigs.
BUM: Thats messed up. You all will get cancer.
JEN: Shit, I'm more likely to get hit by a bus or something.
ME: I guess you want cancer too.
BUM: I see. You know, I'm educated like all of ya'll. I went to school. I'm smart like you too.
ME: Really? Where did you go to school?
BUM: Georgetown.
ME: Georgetown? As in Georgetown University?
BUM: Yes, Georgetown. I was there on a basketball scholarship!
ME: Word? What did you major in?
BUM: Huh?
ME: WHAT WERE YOU GOING THERE TO GET A DEGREE IN?
BUM: I got injured playing ball and had to leave.
ME: Umm, you didn't answer my question. What kind of classes did you take?
BUM: Partying 101
ME: Ok... I can dig that.
BUM: Shiiiiiiiiiit. (quite loudly and doing some pseudo George Jefferson stroll) I MAJORED IN HAVING FUN! THERE! I FUCKING MAJORED IN HAVING MOTHER FUCKIN FUN!!!
AND YOU ARE STILL GONNA GET CANCER!
ME: Ok

Haiku Fridays, People...

"ODE TO BECKY"

I fucking hate you
like, um, totally, me too
please don't procreate

Brain, rubbed....Wrong? Part 1

Ahhh so here I am again...opening fresh bag of potato chips, preparing to swim amidst its greasy goodness. Helplessly submitting to the under toe of creativity as it gently molests my fingers...

...and blank. =/

What the hell am I supposed to write about? My first blog has to set the pace for all that precedes this noble venture and I can't think of a friggan thing. IDEAS SIR?

This I pondered for all of about 32 seconds before I was literally dumbstruck with delight over my present situation, which has ultimately led me to my very, very, very first topic.

PEOPLE TRY TOO HARD...

I mean, you can literally add this equation to most, if not all modern humans who are trying to be the best, funniest, brightest.....even dumbest. You really don't have to strain your eyes to see this everyday in the city, tv, inter-nerd and where ever else your decide to get you daily dose of grande soy vanill.....STOP!!!

So on with the show....

Now, I particularly like shallow, completely useless females that feel as though the need to look like a super model from Sweet Valley High to go to a regular bar...or anywhere for that matter....expecting to meet the Fresh Prince himself.

You see, there are two questions one must ask themself if they are faced with this sort of situation. What's this grandiose display of vanity anyway? What kind of results do you really expect to achieve out of all this? Because the message you are putting out, which you may or may not be aware of, is only appealing to a males animalistic sexuality, nothing more. As soon as you open your mouth to say one word, a guy, such as myself, has lost all confidence of being able to hold a remotely interesting conversation beyond what is perceived as petty, superficial and unsophisticated.

We have a name for these females and that name is 'Becky'. Why Becky? Because I've never met a Becky that didn't act exactly like any other Becky I knew several years ago? Their stupidity is beyond degenerative and I'm silently laughing every time I meet a new one.

Now onto Guys. GUYS? What is up with this metro, emo stuff, seriously? Whatever happened to just being fine with being a man? A man that doesn't care about designer frames, furniture, shoes, shampoo....etc (and this list can definitely go on, but for the sake of simplicity). A real man knows how to shine his shoes with Boones Farm....ok outlandish, but I'm only supporting my argument that this is ridiculous. When I go downtown on a Friday or Saturday night, I'm perplexed how anybody can tell the difference from one guy to the next, as everyone is wearing a button down collared shirt or tee shirt, black blazer, jeans and brown shoes (...4real, make a mental note and observe for yourself next weekend, you'll be amazed by this new found power of observation)

...and for Christ Sake, where is the originality? Did it disappear with the Indians?

Needless to say, I'm not going to place the blame on you all solely, as modern females generally support this behavior, promoting more feminine like qualities on their men. THIS HOWEVER IS EVIL and exactly opposite of what real men should be doing. Ever hear of opposites attract? Be a rebel, be fucking bad. You'll get more attention and can thank me later, by cash, credit or Paypal.

So as months go by, this will inevitably become an ongoing rant and rave. If however you decide you use your new found observation powers and feel you have something add, by all means, email me in legible, educated English and I may decide to make you a star.

...until then, first work on not giving a shit.

-END

Through the gumdrop forest of smiles

Tidley-winks and Colonel Angus celebrated Warcraft Wednesday by hosting a star wars themed tea party. If you are not familiar with Colonel Angus you wouldn't realize that he is best known for his elite "invitation only" tea parties. Melody Muffin was the first guest to arrive. Tidley-winks gasped in astonishment as she rolled herself through the door when he realized she had forgotten to take her shoes off. With great anger Colonel Angus struck Melody Muffin with a lead pipe in the study and repeatedly raped her with a hot and fresh fried turkey. There was turkey everywhere. Melody Muffin was then beaten into a relaxing coma and drowned in the nearby baby pool. Shortly after everyone died of AIDS. Let this be a lesson to all the children who frolic in the gumdrop forest, beware of star wars tea parties.......you might get relentlessly and violently raped with a fresh, fried turkey.